EMBRYO

“(…) Às vezes confundo Rimbaud com Baudelaire, mas não me importo muito porque a maioria das pessoas que conheço nunca ouviu falar de nenhum deles. Estas duas garotas que estão comigo, por exemplo, não devem saber nem onde fica a França. Na Europa, a loira com cara de morena me responde. A morena com cara de índia não se move, finge que dorme na cama desarrumada. Me fala mais da França, eu peço, e ela me vem com torre Eiffel, Guerra dos Cem Anos, Joana D’Arc, Asterix, Revolução Francesa, Danton, Marat e Platini. A vida tem suas surpresas. Ah, e Sartre.

Sento na cama, as molas fazem barulho assim nhéc-nhéc e eu fico fazendo nhéc-nhéc até que de repente a índia começa a sangrar bem em cima do lençol que até agora não estava muito sujo. Estava tão branco, agora tem uma mancha vermelho escura, estou menstruada, ela diz, tô vendo. Fecho os olhos e sinto meus cabelos esvoaçarem, é bem bom esse ventilador, respiro fundo e o cheiro entre azedo e doce me invade as narinas, chego até a sentir o gosto, sangue sempre tem um quê metálico no fundo. A loira que qualquer um vê que não é fica remexendo em uma grande bolsa de couro, as sobrancelhas dançam fazendo arcos, a boca se espreme em um canto, ela tem uma expressão meio boba mas gosto dela, então surge um sorriso, acho que ela encontrou o que estava procurando.

Me atira a caixinha de OB, não consigo alcançar, sabe, eu não acredito muito nas leis da Física, pego a caixinha do chão, tamanho médio, eu brinco ihh vai precisar de supergrande e a índia me dá um tapa nas costas, não dói mas ela pede desculpas. Rindo eu peço para colocar o OB nela, a loira falsa tranca os dentes como se estivesse sentindo alguma dor e balança a cabeça, a índia me olha e olha pro sangue e me olha e diz não, você não sabe fazer isso. Sei sim, eu digo, e ela arranca o OB da minha mão e diz vira pra lá. Fico olhando: sempre fui muito curioso.

— Você é mesmo virgem?

Claro, ela responde. Ah. Só pra confirmar. (…)”

Bem, depois de dias de downloads, angústias, remanejamentos e ansiedade, assisti à série Twin Peaks, do lendário e uber foda David "GOD" Lynch. Nem preciso dizer que o seriado chuta todas as bundas possíveis, o negócio é extremamente alucinante, a trama é muito bem feita e a série como um todo, tem um dinamismo e um suspense incríveis. Os personagens são muito bem elaborados, todos têm uma peculiaridade, um segredo, um problema, e também há todo um caráter místico na história. Ok, depois de chegar ao que eu pensava ser o fim da segunda temporada, e com mais dúvidas do que esclarecimentos, resolvo dar uma sondada em alguns sites para ver se tinha algo que eu deixei passar, e descubro que, além dos que já vi, existem mais quatorze episódios na segunda temporada, os quais eu ainda não tenho, e também ainda não existe legenda em português. Depois de alguma procura e desespero, achei o restante e estou baixando no Emule, algo que não me deixa lá muito feliz (preferia que fosse torrent, mas a vida não é perfeita(aliás, gostaria mesmo é de ter os originais)). Pois bem, enquanto isso, só o que me resta é assistir o filme, e me imaginar comendo torta de cereja e bebendo café no RR, visitar a Delegacia de Twin Peaks para comer os deliciosos Donuts da Lucy e torcer para trombar com o Agente Especial Dale Cooper, para bater um papo, tomando cerveja no Roadhouse.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There iso no egg in an eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France. Seetwmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And wy is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb trough annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposite, while quite a few and quite a lot are alike? How can the weather be as hot as hell one day and as cold as hell on the other day? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or piccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or wo ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That's why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?


DEFINITION OF THE WORD FUCK

For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, from 15th century - written on the stocks where people were sentenced when caught in this act. Not a curse word until World War I.

Perhaps one ot the most interesting and colorful words in the english language is the word FUCK. It is the one magical word, whick, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, FUCK falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of FUCK. Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations. The listing below shows the versatility of the word and gives some serving suggestions you might like to try when the vicars comes to tea.

Greetings: "How the fuck are you?"
Fraud: "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay: "Oh, fuckit!"
Trouble: "Well, I guess I'm fucked now..."
Agression: "Fuck you!"
Disgust: "Fuck me!"
Confusion: "What the fuck....?"
Difficulty: "I don't fucking understand."
Despair: "Fucked again..."
Incompetence: "He fucks everything up."
Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost: "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief: "Unfuckingbelievable."
Denial: "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity: "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy: "Who gives a fuck anyway?"
Resignation: "Fuck it."
Derision: "He fucks everything up."
Suspicion: "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic: "Let's get the fuck outta here!"
Direction: "Fuck off."
Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass."

It's fucked - It doesn't work; it's broken.
I'm fucked - I am tired; I am drunk; I have a hangover; I am not prepared to do this (I'm fucked if I'm going to do this); I am in trouble.
I'm fucked off - I'm unhappy about the situation, the person, the music, etc.
Fuck off - Please go away; I don't believe you, that is incorrect, no.
Wanna fuck? - I am desirous of engaging in sexual union with you.
Fuck all - Nothing. eg., I know fuck all.
Fuck me! - I am surprised; I am desirous of engaging in sexual union with you.
Fuck you! - I do not like you; I do not like what you have just said or done.
Fuck this! - I am no longer prepared to put up with this situation. eg., Fuck this for a game of toy soldiers.
Fuck it! - Whoops, I seem to have made a mistake.
Holy fuck! - See 'Fuck me'.
Fuckpiece - My girlfriend, wife, mistress, boyfriend, penis, woman's bits.
Fucker - Bad person. Sometimes prefixed with 'mother-' (he is an evil mother-fucker); someone who engages in sexual intercourse frequently.

This word can also be used to telltime. "It's five-fucking thirty." It can be used in business. "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal. As in "Motherfucker". It can be political. "Fuck George Bush." It can be used in an anatomical description. "He's a fucking asshole."

A very versatile word indeed. The list above might not be complete and we apoligise for any omissions. The Fulchester Underwater Canoing Klubb cannot be held responsible for any consequence of use of this word in any of these or any other contexts.

The word has been used by some very notable people troughout history, the more well-known being:

Michelangelo: "You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling??"
General George Custer: "Holy fuck... fucking indians!"
Mayor of Hiroshima: "What the fuck is that?"
Capitain of Titanic: "Huh? What fucking iceberg?"
Oliver North: "You are all fucking liars!"
Chubby Brown: "Who the fuck is Alice?"
Eddie Murphy: "Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you! Who's next?"
John Lennon: "It's not a real fucking gun."
Donald Campbell: "The fucking throttle got stuck."
Richard Nixon: "Who is going to fuck now?"
Noah: "You call this 'scattered fucking shower'?"
Joan of Arc: "I don't suppose it's fucking raining."
Ann Boleyn: "Heads are going to fucking roll."
Capitain of the Challenger: "Who let the fucking woman drive?"
Nikki Lauda: "I tought I could smell the fucking petrol."
Pythagoras: "How the fuck did you work that out?"
Ted Kennedy: "That fucking bridge."
Marie Antoniette: "Let them eat fucking cake."
John Bobbit: "I fucking dare you."
Bill Clinton: "What fucking dagga?"
Nkosazama Zuma: "What fucking money?"
Hugh Grant: "What fucking prostitute?"
Eugene Terreblanche: "What fucking affirmative action?"

The mind fairly boogles at the many creative uses of the word! How can anyone be offended when you use the word FUCK? Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige.

Today - say to someone "FUCK YOU!"